Thoughts
What am I suposed to do with all this love? I got no one whom I can give it to. I’m not trying to sound sad. It’s just that sometimes I have all this happiness and love boiling up in me but there’s no one for me to express or give my affection to.
Is in times like this when I feel the loneliest, you know? Specially if you have had a significant other, one that you loved with all your heart. Because when you get like this you are vunerable to the haunting past.
I think of the loving hugs and the warm I love yous. It’s sad. And then I become a victim to my own memories. I don’t want to think of what I don’t have anymore. But it can’t be helped sometimes. Sometimes even I don’t want to admit it to anyone or even myself, but sometimes I know I need someone or at least want someone.
But enough of the dramatics. You know that saying “lonely men become poets” ? Well I’m starting to think that’s me. I’m not a poet at all but I do love writing, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone or if no one ever reads it.
Writing is the only way for me to be able to express myself properly. Sometimes what I write doesn’t even make sense to me but hey it was in my head for a reason. Words are like puzzle pieces, you put them together to create. Sometimes they take long to find and sometimes you don’t find them at all.
Future Love
I know I havent meet you yet but, I know I will some day.
I mean this one empty spot must be for you right? right.
I just want you to know that even though is hard, almost impossible to find you. I haven’t given up. Hopefully you haven’t either? Hopefully.
I don’t want to sound dramatic but I know it isn’t just me. We all miss that one person we haven’t meet. Yeah the one that holds you in your dreams. The one in your dreams that you can’t really make a face out off, but you know she smiling at you. The one with the beautiful eyes, and her blushing cheeks. The one with the warm I love yous.
I don’t know about you but if that’s the person I miss, then I will damn well miss her until I find her, or she finds me.
Oh Death
There I was Hopelessly waiting for I knew As well as he That I couldn’t escape him.
I though that this endless chase would someday make him lose his interest in me.
But I was wrong and all my rejection made me his favorite. The more time that passed, the more he longed to hold me, Like a mad man running after a woman.
Stories of a Lonely Man
It has been a while since the last time I got that warm feeling you get when you are in love. I don’t know how long, is not like I sit down and count the days. But taking a wild guess I’ll say two months one week and six hours with fifteen minutes, sounds about right. I’m not trying to be specific, I’m just a good guesser.
But anyways today is valentines day
and I don’t have a significant other to spend it with. I’m not complaining because for the past nineteen years, I really haven’t had any secret admierers and vice versa I haven’t secretly admired anyone, lately.
I mean random crushes don’t count right? Right. Hmmm I remember the first crush I had. I believe I was seven years old. She was my age and we would only get to see each other when both of our mothers felt like meeting up.
At first I didn’t know why I enjoyed being with her so much. One evening when we were playing at a park, we were randomly alone, I say randomly because she and I had other siblings that would play with us.
I was extremelly nervous but she didn’t seem to notice. We both laid down on the slightly humid grass, close enough so that we were both slightly feeling each others arms. We both spoke about random things while looking at the stars.
I would make corny jokes to make her laugh and smile. God, she really looked beautiful when she smiled and her laughter was intoxicating, I could never stop myself from laughing when she did. That was the first time I ever felt butterflies in my stomach. When our mothers called us, I started feeling anxious and I could tell that she did too by how she looked at me when we sat up. I looked at her hands touching the grass and then grabbed them.
When I looked up she surprised me with a kiss, my first kiss. After kissing me I looked at her beautiful tan face, she was giving me that warm smile of hers that I loved so much and her eyes were bright with the moon light.
I’ll never forget the way I felt. The insides of my stomach were tickling and I couldn’t stop smiling. When we walked away with our mothers I turned to look at her and I saw her looking at me with a huge smile on her face, while her mom pulled her to keep walking. I smiled and turned around, I’ve never blushed as much as I did then.
I remember when I got in the car with my family, my mom looked at me and asked me why did I have such a cheesy smile on my face. I looked away and out the window, blushing, and told her it was nothing.
Misery Loves its Company
You asked me not to leave but now you deny me that which you asked from me. How does it work? I’m here loving you, holding you dear but you throw it all away just like that? You expect me to pull all the pieces of my heart back together just so you can go ripping them apart?
So much hurt I’ve had to endure and yet I am still here with you… the only one to blame here is me. All this time I’ve been so worried about not being weak that I have forgotten to be happy. I have been working so hard to endure all the heartaches and let downs that I forgot the real reason I was in a relationship with you in the first place… to be happy. I don’t just endure the pain, I’m the one that inflicts it. If I’m not happy with you anymore then why am I still here? Have I really grown so used to been sad that it took me this long to notice? I don’t remember ever being this sad when I was alone…
Dear Childhood
Dear Childhood,
I miss you terribly, although I live a fairly good life now, nothing will ever make me feel better than how I did with you back then. I miss playing with my awesome toys that randomly disappeared when I turned ten. I miss playing epic games of hide and seek, freeze tag, regular tag, and cops and robber with about twenty friends in the schoolyard, when I lived in Puerto Rico. I miss being blissfully naive and thinking that a spider bite would turn me into Spider-Man. I miss getting up on Saturday mornings hype to see the morning cartoons shows on channel two and only being able to see the last two minutes of the cartoons they were showing because I woke up a little too late. I miss playing with my baby sisters because you know all siblings are always cute and fun to play with when they are babies. I miss living in the countryside of Puerto Rico, running around wearing no shoes with my dogs thinking I was Tarzan. I miss hiking with my sisters and climbing to the top of the mountain where I used to live and looking down to where the city is. I miss playing in the playgrounds of McDonalds and Burger King and using my friendly kid skills to make every other kid in the playground my friend and then playing hide and seek with them. I miss sitting on the front sit of my mom’s car. I miss going anywhere with my mom and having the ability to make a friend out of any random kid I meet. I miss that one crush I had on that one girl, you know that one girl that was your first crush, the one that you still think of sometimes and then you think to yourself ‘hmmm does she still remember me?’
Yours Faithfully,
Mark A. Cruz
P.S.
Childhood I just wanted you to know that I still think about you and that I am glad I had you. xoxoxo
Dream
I’ve never seen her in my life but when our eyes meet, I got this overwhelming feeling of happiness and confort that I’ve never felt before. Without realizing it I was already walking towards her and when I reached her, without a word she reached up to me and embraced me. I hugged her back and I can honestly say that I had never felt as happy as I did then and there.
“I love you” she said while she hugged me. When she stepped back I moved the hair out of her face and looked at her in the eyes “I love you”. I couldn’t believe how good it felt to say that, I had just meet her but some how I knew I loved her and I knew that she was the one for me. I kissed her, I could feel that she felt the same way too but then when I looked at her again her eyes were watery. “After this you wont remember me. It’s impossible for us to be together” I didn’t understand what she meant “How can I not remember this? you’re right here with me and we can..” she kissed me and hugged me harder than before as if to keep me from running away. Everything around us started to fade away until it was only us. She looked at me “I love you” soon after that her grasp on me started to losen up she was fading away just like everything else. I tried grabbing her again but couldn’t “No no no, I love you too, don’t leave, please don’t leave. what’s your name?” She smiled at me but it was too late “My na..” when she was going to tell me her name everything faded to black.
When I woke up, I couldn’t remember my dream..
When you…
When you feel sad and you don’t know why. When you cry and you don’t know why. When you feel lonely even though you are surrounded by friends. When you feel angry and can’t explain why. When you want someone with you but don’t know what for. When you feel like no one understands you because you don’t understand yourself. When you drown yourself with words trying to explain to yourself why you feel the way you do. When so much wrong has been done that you don’t know what’s right. When you realize that you have gotten used to the bad and don’t feel the need to change it. When you realize whats wrong. When you notice that you don’t let yourself feel the way you really feel and you can’t help it. When you take the first steps to move forward in your life but some how the changes make you feel worst than you did before. When you try so hard but don’t succeed. When you feel so bad that you want to go back to before because at least you were used to that. When you feel like you’ve lost something that you can’t replace. When you try writing about it but all that you write are the same questions/statements that overflow in your head. When you start asking yourself ‘Where did I go wrong?’ When you find the answer but accepting it doesn’t feel right. When you tell yourself ‘It was for the best’ even though it doesn’t feel like it…
I did it for the best.
Sad, Not Happy, Sad
I’ve realized that I don’t let myself be sad… Sometimes I wish that someone would come to me when I’m sad. Maybe not to make me feel better but to be there with me. I don’t want to look for that someone, I want them to magically know when they are needed. The bad thing about not letting myself be sad is that when I do get sad I don’t remember why I feel sad.
